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Today's jokes [9.4.18]

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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts
her Lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there
already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it
is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy
it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I
have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my
baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends
like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father
makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit
again, you're in my closet now."

1. 




In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. He was a
hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh! If I go down three
inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh! If that fly goes down three
inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh! If that fly goes down three
inches... that fish will jump for the fly... and I will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was further up the bank of the lake,
preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh!" he thought, "If that fly goes
down three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose
himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper
lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I
can tell you there was more.

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh! If that fly goes down
three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly ...and that bear grabs for
that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat, lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was
fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunchtime,
"Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that
fly... and that bear grabs for that fish ...and that hunter shoots that
bear... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich... then I can 
have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the
cooling mist of the water... The fish swallows the fly... The bear grabs
the fish.. The hunter shoots the bear... The mouse grabs the cheese
sandwich... The cat jumps for the mouse... The mouse ducks...The cat falls
into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is....


Whenever a fly goes down three inches... Somewhere there's a pussy in trouble.

2. 




On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol 
station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in
a  typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. 
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?, asks the attendant. 
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!"

3. 




There's a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a woman 
on board.

The headquarters in the US  calls:
"Monkey #1, Monkey #1 report to coms for instructions."
He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, 
increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the 
reactors.  So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases
the oxygen.

A few moments later headquarters  calls again:   "Monkey #2, Monkey #2
report to coms for  instructions."  He sits down and he is told to add
Carbon Dioxide to room  4, to stop the  fuel injection to engine 3, to 
add nitrogen to the fuel  compartment and to  analyse the solar 
radiation. So the monkey does the  carbon dioxide, the  fuel injection, 
the nitrogen and the analysis of  solar radiation.

A little later on, headquarters  calls again:   "Woman, woman please 
report to coms for  instructions."  She sits down and just as she is 
about to be told what to  do she says.....    "I know, I know!! Feed
the monkeys, and don't  touch a damn thing."

4. 




US Attorney General John Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school.
After fifteen minutes speaking he says: 'I will now answer any
questions you have.' Bobby stands up and says: 'I have four questions':

1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?             
2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden?                               
3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to limit civil liberties?
4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?

Just then the bell goes and the kids rushed out to play. Upon 
returning, Mr Ashcroft said: "I am sorry we were interrupted. I will 
answer any questions you have.' A little girl called Julie stands up
and says: 'I have six questions':

1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?             
2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden?                               
3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to limit civil liberties?
4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?                    
5. Why did the bell ring twenty minutes early?
6. Where is Bobby?

5. 



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