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Today's stories [8.1.18]

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From a Southwest Airlines employee....

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, 
insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like 
every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you 
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a 
sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the 
ceiling.  Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If 
you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before 
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, 
decide now which one you love more."

1. 




[Times of London]
A thief who sneaked into a hospital was scarred for life when he tried to
get a suntan. After evading security staff at Odstock Hospital in
Salisbury, Wiltshire, and helping himself to doctors' paging devices, the
thief spotted a vertical sunbed. He walked into the unit and removed his
clothes for a 45-minute tan.  However, the high-voltage UV machine at the
hospital, which is renowned for its treatment of burns victims, has a
maximum dosage of ten seconds.  After lying on the bed for almost 300
times the recommended maximum time the man was covered in blisters. Hours
later, when the pain of the burns became unbearable, he went to Southampton
General Hospital, 20 miles away, in Hampshire. Staff became suspicious
because he was wearing a doctor's coat. After tending his wounds they called
the police. Southampton police said: "This man broke
into Odstock and decided he fancied a quick suntan. Doctors say he is
going to be scarred for life."



2. 




From the "Say What?" file -- true story: I'm taking two classes
this semester, one of which is Public Policy. Our professor is an
adjunct; nice lady, tries too hard. Anyway, a few weeks ago,
we're covering a chapter on environmental politics, and she casts
an overhead with facts and figures on some of the more powerful
environmental lobbying groups. Among them is the Audubon Society.
If you do not know what the Audubon Society is, then stop reading.

So one of the students asks, "What is the Audubon Society?"
(Bird watchers, if you ignored my previous instructions.) To
which the professor replies:

"I don't know, I think it's a group to protect that road in Germany."

It hits me like a spear. "She did not just say that, did she?" I think
to myself. I look up -- and she's serious.

"That's Auto-BAHN, not Audubon!" I reply, only to be drowned out by the
chorus of students in the back who are either laughing or yelling,
"Birds! Birds!"

"What?" she says.

I reply, "It's a group organized for the protection of birds."

She stays silent for a moment, then responds, "Well, what kind of bird
is an audubon, is it a spotted owl or something?"


3. 



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