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Today's jokes [8.3.18]

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Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She also
enjoys writing to relatives.    

Dear Family,  

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk
if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that
day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by
a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my
bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

 

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought
about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had
changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked,  I'd never have noticed.   I found that lots of people love Jesus!
 While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and
then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!  Go!
Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'    What an exuberant cheerleader he was for
Jesus!    Everyone started honking!    

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.  

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck
up in the air.   I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what
that meant.    He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or
something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the
window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out
laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they
got out of their cars and started walking towards me.  I bet they wanted to
pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light
had changed.  So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and
drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before
the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after
all the love we had shared.   So I slowed the car down, leaned out the
window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I
drove away.  Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, 

Granny Mabel

1. 




I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, the other is  a
mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.
 
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our partners
by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We
agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.
 
My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me
with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said,
'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you' and we made  love all night long.
 
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I 
was wearing the leather bodice and heels under a raincoat and the mask over
my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild
sex all night.

Then I shared my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the 
leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon
as he came in the door and saw me he said,
 
'What's for dinner, Batman?"

2. 




Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the
family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when
his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his
fortune. 

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman 
he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few
years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $65 million.' 

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card. 

Three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

3. 




A boy asks his granny: "Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?"

Granny replies: "Screw the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"

4. 




A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: "I look
horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment."

He  replies, "Your eyesight is perfect."

5. 



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