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Today's jokes [8.2.18]

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My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?"

I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."

Hospital Visiting Hours are 3-4pm and 7-8pm.

1. 




A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many
kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs:

In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,

'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through
three phases.

In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'

2. 




Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet
at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I
thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no
comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so
we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was
wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was
upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not
to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept
driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I
love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely,
as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly,
and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15
minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress,
and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts
were somewhere else. He fell asleep -I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm
almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


His Diary:

My Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.



3. 




A guy is driving around the back of the old country and he sees a sign in
front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings
the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the dog replies.     

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So,
what's your story?'
The dog looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no
time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms
with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the
jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger
so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do
some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and
listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch
of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner how much he wants for
the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.'

4. 




I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who, this morning,
called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of
time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and
rekindling a little of that "old magic". 

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older
and a bit greyer and balder than when..... you last saw me. Plus I don't
really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would rise to the challenge".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few
inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...
everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing
jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, grey haired, older men were cute, and she
was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to fuck off.

5. 



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