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Today's jokes [6.11.18]

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What's the definition of a Jewish nyphomaniac?

     One that screws when she's just had her hair done. 

1. 




   There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which
   one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of
   them spends it.
   
   The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She
   gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and
   tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you
   because I love you so much."
   
   The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a
   television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I
   bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
   
   The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market,
   doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the
   rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future
   because I love you so much."
   
   The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the
   money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
   


2. 




A Duck walks into a bar. 

Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: No, sorry, we don't have any bread
[After a few minutes]
Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: Look, we don't have any bread
[In a little while]
Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: We don't have any F*****g bread!
[Some time later]
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: If you ask me if I've got any 
F*****g bread once more I'm gonna nail 
your F*****g bill to this bar.
.....
............
Duck: You got any nails?
Barman: NO!
Duck: You got any bread?  

Sent by Duncan

3. 




A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman.
After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?" 

The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!" 

"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then." 

4. 




                             Iraqi vs. American
     
   
  Average Iraqi

    Has visited the convergence of the Tigris and Euphrates, cradle of
    the ancient civilization founded by his ancestors

  Average American

    Once got really sick on the Wild Mouse ride at Six Flags theme
    park

  Average Iraqi

    Willing to participate in Holy War for his nation

  Average American

    Willing to participate in People's Choice Awards

  Average Iraqi

    Lines up by the thousands to die for country

  Average American

    Will go to any extreme to avoid jury duty

  Average Iraqi

    Has endured many food shortages during wars with Iran and embargo
    by West

  Average American

    Shoves McDonalds cashier if their Happy Meal doesn't include
    McCookies

  Average Iraqi

    Believes if he dies in battle, he will go straight to Paradise

  Average American

    Believes if, in a dream, you don't wake up before hitting the
    ground, you die

  Average Iraqi

    Has friend or relative wounded in ruthless wars of conquest

  Average American

    Has beer guzzling uncle who shot self in foot on hunting trip

  Average Iraqi

    Thinks Saddam Hussein is a political genius

  Average American

    Thinks Saddam Hussein makes Dan Quayle seem like Einstein
  


5. 



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