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Today's jokes [5.6.18]

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Q: What's the best way to kill a man?

A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him.
   Then tell him to pick only one

1. 




   A pregnant woman goes to the doctor for results of a test. The doctor
   invites her in to sit down.
   
   "I'm sorry to tell you, Mrs. Smith, that your baby has some serious
   problems."
   
   "What problems, doctor? I mean, when it arrives, I'll love it. It's my
   child and I'll love it regardless."
   
   "Well, yes, of course,... but your child has no legs."
   
   "Oh dear. Well, it's my child, and I'll love it regardless."
   
   "And it hasn't got any arms either."
   
   "What?"
   
   "Exactly what I said. Your child doesn't have a body, or a face. In
   fact, your child is only a very, very big ear."
   
   "Oh my God! This is terrible! Well, it's my child, and I'll love it.
   I'll learn all the lullabies in the world to sing to it."
   
   "Mrs. Smith, one last thing.... Unfortunately, your child is deaf."
   


2. 




One day in school, the teacher wanted her kids to go through the
   alphabet and give a word that started with each letter. She started
   with 'A'.
   
   Dirty Ernie was waving his arm higher than all the other kids. She
   didn't want to call on him, because he was a pervert and always said
   bad things.
   
   She called on Betty instead. Betty stood up and said "Apple".
   
   "Very good, Betty! Next is the letter 'B' ." Again, Ernie was waving
   his arm as high as he could, but she picked Andy instead.
   
   "Butterfly."
   
   "Excellent, Andy! How about 'C' ." Ernie was almost having a seizure
   he was waving so hard. The teacher picked Billy, still afraid of what
   Ernie would say.
   
   "Caterpillar."
   
   "Great job, Billy!"
   
   She continued going through the alphabet, never calling on Ernie. When
   she got to 'R', Ernie was the only child waving his arm. She thought
   to herself and couldn't think of anything too bad that started with
   'R' so she said, "OK Ernie, give me a word that starts with 'R' ."
   
   Ernie stood up straight, smiled and yelled, "RATS!!!! BIG FUCKING RATS
   WITH COCKS THIS FUCKING LONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
   


3. 




Department of the Treasury
   Internal Revenue Service
   Washington, D.C.
   To: All Male Taxpayers
   RE: Notice of increase of tax payment
   Form 1040 - P
   The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is your penis. This is
   due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging
   around unemployed, 30% of the time it is pissed off, 20% of the time
   it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hole.
   On top of this, it has two dependents and both are nuts.
   Accordingly, as of April 1, 1998, your penis will be taxed according
   to size. To determine your category, please consult
   the chart below and confirm this informatin on page 2, section 7, line
   3, on the Standard Form 1040.
   10-16 inches Luxury Tax $50.00
   8-10 inches Pole Tax $30.00
   5-8 inches Privilege Tax $15.00
   4-5 inches Nuisance Tax $5.00
   Please note: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund. Please
   do not ask for an extension!!!!!!
   Additionally, males exceeding 12 inches must file under Capital Gains.
   Sincerely,
   Peter Checker
   Internal Revenue Service


4. 




Why do blondes like blonde jokes?
It makes them feel popular.

5. 



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