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Today's jokes [5.4.18]

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From a Southwest Airlines employee....

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, 
insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like 
every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you 
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a 
sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the 
ceiling.  Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If 
you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before 
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, 
decide now which one you love more."

1. 




Q: Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters
   will improve your sex life?
A: Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.


2. 




A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar
in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err,
which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside
to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body
hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on
his stool, looked down at the quivering little man
and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous,
"I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the
hell kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old
puppy."
"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my
Doberman?"
"It appears that he choked on it, sir."

3. 




A girl sees three dogs in the park and kneels down to pet them. "What's 
your name?" she asks the first. To her surprise, the dog answers "My 
name's Huey and I'm having a great day going in and out of puddles." She 
goes up to the second dog and asks "What's your name?" The dog replies "My 
name's Duey and I'm having a great day going in and out of puddles." She 
turns to the third dog and says "I suppose you're going to tell me your 
names Luey and you're having a great day going in and out of puddles." The 
dog replies "No, I'm having a fucking miserable day and my name is 
Puddles."

4. 




The doctor said to the housewife,
"I've got good news and I've got bad news.
The good news is you don't have PMS.
The bad news is - you're a bitch!"

5. 



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