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Today's jokes [5.15.18]

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A decorated war veteran, fresh off the bus, is looking for a place to 
stay. He hears that room and board is available from the three old 
spinsters at the edge of town, but is advised they are very picky in 
letting strangers stay there.  He decides to chance it, and limps on up to 
the front door.
His knock is answered by Gladys.  "What do you want, sonny?" she asks him.
"Ma'am, I'm just looking for a hot meal and a room for the night," he
answers.
The other two old spinsters gather around the door.  "Who's out there? 
Does he look decent?" they ask.
Gladys says, "It's a soldier, and he's got a Purple Heart on."
The other two spinsters giggle and say, "The hell with what color it is...
let him in!"

1. 




What's long and hard and excites a girl when
she's finally lucky enough to get on it?

The road to success!

2. 




One of Sigmund Freud's early patients rushed out into an 
Austrian afternoon on her way to meet her best friend at a 
coffee house. 
Over Cappuccino and Viennese pastries, she suddenly burst 
out crying.
Her friend begged her to share what was wrong.
"Oh, it's just terrible," she wailed. "Today the doctor told me 
I'm in love with my father, and. . .and. . .and you know, he's a 
married man!"

3. 




What did the redneck get on his I.Q. test?

Drool.

4. 




There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to
the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after
day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to,
so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.

So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."

The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"

5. 



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