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Today's jokes [4.15.18]

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How offensive is that?

Jesus has just been nailed to the cross and has begun to suffer 
from the wounds, A crowd has gathered to watch and 
sympathize with Him. As Jesus looks out over the gathering he 
calls to one of his apostle's. "Paul... Paul," He calls out.

Paul hears his name and comes to the front of the 
gathering. "Yes Jesus,how may I serve you" he exclaims. Just 
then a guard comes up to Paul, cuts Paul's right arm off with 
his sword, and throws him back into the crowd, saying "No 
one is allowed to speak with the prisoner!" 

Jesus once again calls his name. "Paul . . .Paul", he calls. 
Paul, determined goes to the front of the gathering again. There 
he meets the same gaurd who this time cuts off the left arm, and 
both legs and throws him back into the crowd.

Jesus yells out once again , "Paul,...Paul". Paul , who is now 
lying on his back on the ground attempts to roll to the front of 
the gathering. The guard seeing this determination and devotion 
finally weakens and decides to let Paul speak to Jesus. He 
goes over to Paul, picks him up and brings him to the front of 
the crowd. 

Paul, with tears in his eyes looks up to his savior and speaks, 
"Yes Jesus, I am here. What is it I can do for you?" 

Jesus looks over the horizon and then to Paul and states,"Oh 
nothing. I just wanted to tell you that I could see your house 
from here!"

1. 




   Two men are talking. The first sez, "I got married because I was tired
   of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry and wearing
   shabby clothes."
   
   "Amazing," said the second, "I just got divorced for the very same
   reasons."


2. 




   An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who
   had been sleeping in the bedroom.
   
   As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young
   wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,
   "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with
   anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along
   with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
   
   "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you
   feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really
   nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!"
   


3. 




Knock, knock!

Who's there?

An escaped serial killer!

4. 




President Clinton and his wife are at the first baseball game of the 
season. At the start of the game the pitcher comes up in the stands and 
whispers something in Clinton's ear. All of a sudden Clinton looks at 
Hillary and yells, "Okay, Hillary, GET OUT!". She looks surprised but 
leaves. The pitcher looks at Clinton and says, "No, I said to throw out 
the first PITCH!" 

5. 



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