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Today's jokes [4.11.18]

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A guy was in a bar, and asked for some milk. So in turn a pregnant topless 
dancer got on the bar and squeezed the milk out of her tits. He looked at 
this and said to himself, "I would hate to see how they give out bloody 
Mary’s."

1. 




The doctor looked at the woman who had come to him for an examination. 

"Mrs. Brown, I have some good news for you." 

The woman said, "I'm glad to hear that doctor, but I'm Miss Brown, not 
Mrs." 

"Oh. Well, in that case Miss Brown," said the doctor without changing 
expression, "I have some bad news for you."

2. 




One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost.
For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out.
He had not eaten anything during this period and was
famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle,
killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly a couple of
park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and
arrested him for killing an endangered species.

At court, he plead innocent to the charges against him
claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would
have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor.
In the judges closing statement he asked the man, "I
would like you to tell me something before I let you go.
I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it.
What did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well,
it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a
spotted owl." 

3. 




   An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up.
   While the man is with the doctor, the doctor askes him, "So how has
   life been treating
   you?" The old man replies,"The Lord's been good to me. Every night
   when I go to the
   bathroom, He turns the light on and when I'm finished, He turns the
   light off."
   While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor told her what her
   husband said. She
   replied, "Damn it! The old fart's been pissing in the ice box again!"
   


4. 




Q: What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's
dreams every night??

A: Hansons.

5. 



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