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Today's jokes [4.1.18]

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You know why a dog licks his ass?

Because he knows in five minutes he'll be licking your face.

1. 




AVOID SOCIAL BLUNDERS WITH THESE HELPFUL WEDDING HINTS:

-  Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

-  Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding?  
   Not if you are the groom.

-  When dancing, never remove undergarments; 
   no matter how hot it is.

-  Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds 
   may get you cut.

-  A bridal veil made of window screen is not only 
   cost-effective, but also a proven fly deterrent.

-  For the groom, at least rent a tux.  A leisure suit 
   with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can 
   create a nice appearance.  Though uncomfortable, 
   say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

2. 




Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: More to the point, what was she doing outside of the kitchen?


3. 




A jealous husband hires a private detective to check up on his wife. The husband tells the 
detective, he wants both a written account and as many videos of her in any kind of 
compromising situations as the man can get.

Two weeks later the detective calls the man and tells him he has all the evidence he needs. 
They make an appointment for a meeting. The two of them are sitting there watching the videos. 
The man sees his wife meeting another man, then the two of them are walking in the park 
laughing. Another series shows her with a different man laughing and dancing. All together, he
watches a dozen or so different activities, each with a different man, each time both she and 
the man are sharing obvious utter glee.

"Amazing," said the shocked husband, "simply amazing ! I just can't believe it."

"What can't you believe ?" asked the detective, "It's all right there for you to see, plus I 
have all the times and dates in my log."

"I know, I know!" said the man, still in shock, "I just can't believe my wife could be that 
much fun." 




4. 




This woman is visiting in Israel and notices that her little travel alarm 
needs a battery. She looks for a watch repair shop and while she doesn't 
read Hebrew she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the window. 
She goes in and hands the man her clock. The man says, "Madam, I don't 
repair clocks. I am a Mohel. I do circumcisions." 
She says, "Why all the clocks in the window?"
And he says, "And what should I have in my window?"
 

5. 



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