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Today's jokes [3.11.18]

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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in 
animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their 
conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says 
the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. 
Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I 
come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly, "in this country 
we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" 
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma just tellun my friend howa to 
spella Mississippi."


A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and then
horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and
rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the
saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get
a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down
the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly
impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she
leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now
at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is battered
against the ground again and again. She is mere moments away from
unconsciousness when........

  ........the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.


A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the 
car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice 
your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really
indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are 
glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"


Little Johnny sat playing in the garden. When his mother came out to 
collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm. She turned pale. 
"No, Johnny! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!" Trying to 
convince him further, "Now the mother worm is looking all over for her 
nice baby-worm."
"No, she isn't," said Johnny. "Why not?" "Because I ate her first!" 


Science alert

Scientists have just discovered something that can
do the work of five men: a woman. 


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