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Today's jokes [3.1.18]

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A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after 
staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, 
walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began 
fondling her. 

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought 
you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she 

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."


Mr. Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant, but he worked hard, 
saved his pennies, and started a small business. It did well, 
and soon he had enough money to send for the wife and 
children. The work kept him very busy, so he never had time to 
learn to write, but the bank was happy to do business with him, 
even though his signature consisted of two X's.

He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferred 
to private schools, the family moved into a fancy house (with 
one staircase going nowhere just for show) get the idea. 
One day his banker, Mr. Smith, asked him to drop by.

"So vat's the problem?" Greenberg asked, a bit anxiously.

Smith waved a bunch of checks at him. "Perhaps nothing," he 
said, "but I wanted to be on the safe side. These recent checks 
of yours are all signed with 3 X's, but your signature of record 
has just 2."

Greenberg looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry about making 
trouble," he said, "but my vife said that since I'm now such a 
high class rich guy, I should have a middle name!"


Two burglars broke into a building and stole a calendar.
They both got 6 months.

Sent by Jimbo


Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves 
at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering, they are told 
that they must present something with a flavor in order to get in.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the 
family's Christmas tree. He is allowed entry to Heaven.
The second man offers a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were 
opened earlier that evening. He too is allowed entry to Heaven.
The third man reaches into his pocket and produces a pair of panties.
Confused at the man's gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do panties represent 
The man replies, "Oh, they're Carol's."


A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloody 
restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman 
had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that 
they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with 
passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to 
the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her
to clamp 
down on the man's member and wrench it from side to side. In agony 
and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head 
until she let go. 


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