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Today's jokes [2.3.18]

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What has two legs, spots, and bleeds? 

Half a cheetah.

1. 




A big 300 pound, seven foot brute of a man walked into a bar
one evening and said to the bartender "Give everyone a drink
except that gay guy over there"

About fifteen minutes later he gives the same order, "Give everyone
a drink except that gay guy over there"

The gay guy asks the bartender for two ice cubes. The bartender
asks why, and the gay guy says "I am going to put one in each
cheek, go over there, and cold-cock that big sonofabitch!" 

2. 




I recently had surgery on my hand, and asked the doctor if,
after surgery, I would be able to play the banjo. 

He said, "I'm doing surgery on your hand, not giving you a lobotomy." 



3. 




Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were 
invited to the Colonel's home for an evening of bridge. The Lieutenant was 
partnered with the Colonel's wife and vice versa. After many hands, the
Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the 
door ajar. When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room, his 
wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize, to which the
Colonel's wife smiled demurely, "Don't worry about it; this is the first 
time all evening that I've been able to tell what he has in his hand." 

4. 




A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a
   couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.
   "What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.
   The grandmother was embarrased, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt
   his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."
   They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one.
   "How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.
   "Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they fuck
   you everytime!"


5. 



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