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Today's jokes [12.4.18]

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An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his 
neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he
looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong. "I'm scared
out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some pissed-off husband
wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop fucking his
wife." "So stop," the barkeep said. "I can't," the womanizer
replied, taking a long swill. "The prick didn't sign his name!"

1. 




Age       Sport
        17         sex
        25         sex
        35         sex
        48         sex
        66         napping

2. 




                                  The Diet
     
   
BREAKFAST
        1/2 grapefruit
        1 slice whole wheat toast
        8 oz glass skim milk

LUNCH
        4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
        1 cup steamed zucchini
        1 Oreo cookie

MID-AFTERNOON SNACK
        rest of the package of Oreo cookies
        1 quart Rocky Road ice cream
        1 jar hot fudge

DINNER
        2 loaves garlic bread
        1 large pepperoni & mushroom pizza
        1 large pitcher of beer
        3 Milky Way candy bars
        1 entire cheesecake

DIET TIPS
        1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories
        2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar,
                they cancel each other out.
        3. When eating with someone else, calories dont count
                if you both eat the same amount.
        4. Foods used for medicinal purpose have no calories.
                These include any chocolate used for energy,
                brandy, cheesecake, and ice cream.
        5. Cookie pieces contain no calories, because breakage
                causes the calories to leak out.
        6. If you eat food from someone else's plate, the
                calories don't count.
        7. Movie related snacks are much lower in calories because
                they are part of the entertainment, and not ones
                of personal fuel.
  


3. 




Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who went duck hunting?
A: He didn't get any because he couldn't throw the dog high enough.

4. 





                               UNIVERSAL GRADE CHANGE FORM

                              ____________________University


      To: Professor____________________ From:___________________________


      I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be

      changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:


      ______1.    The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.

      ______2.    The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.

      ______3.    This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get into: 

                  ______Medical School          ______Graduate School

                  ______Dental School           ______My Fraternity/Sorority

                  ______The Mickey Mouse Club   ______Tri County Tech

      ______4.    I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in

                  _______________.

      ______5.    I'll lose my scholarship.

      ______6.    I'm on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn't find a copy of your exam.

      ______7.    I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used

                  did not cover the materisal asked for on the exam.

      ______8.    I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every

                  little fact.

      ______9.    I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams

                  asked about general principles.

      _____10.    You are prejudiced against:

                  ______Males         ______Jews          ______Blacks

                  ______Females       ______Catholics     ______Whites

                  ______Protestants   ______Moslems       ______Minorities

                  ______Chicanos      ______People        ______Students

      _____11.    If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or

                  at least cut my allowance.

      _____12.    I was unable to do well in this course because of the

                  following illness:

                  ______mono                  ______broken baby finger

                  ______acute alcoholism      ______pregnancy

                  ______VD                    ______fatherhood

      _____13.    You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly

                  how you wanted that done.

      _____14.    I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.

      _____15.    I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.

      _____16.    The lectures were:

                  ______too detailed to pick out important points

                  ______not explained in sufficient detail

                  ______too boring

                  ______all jokes and not enough material

                  ______all of the above

      _____17.    This course was:

                  ______too early, I was not awake.

                  ______at lunchtime, I was hungry

                  ______too late, I was tired

      _____18.    My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my

                  (book, notes, paper) for this course.

      _____19.    Other___________________________________________________



5. 



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