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Today's jokes [10.10.18]

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Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it
was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will
merge.

An industry source said that the deal had been in the works about 1300 
years.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the
overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of 
Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, 
we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality 
service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being 
called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking
being the hardest hit.

As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl,
currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming 
unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the
message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens."

In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus
and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.

One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three
hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave 
milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A
breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be 
Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the
competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all
present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."

1. 




On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother
and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her 
grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on 
Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced
age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would
start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. 
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She 
paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice 
cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

2. 




When white man found this land, Indians were running it.
There were:

- No Taxes
- No Debt
- Plenty buffalo
- Plenty beaver
- Medicine man free
- Women did all the work
- Men hunted and fished all the time 

The white man was dumb enough to think he could improve on that system!

3. 




An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding
her hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not
intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing
up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!"
said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down,
then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there
is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

4. 




Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised
new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI 
insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was 
having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly
100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than asking him about this,
the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales 
pitch. 

Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and 
then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the
government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't
have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only
has to pay a maximum of $6000." 

"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send
into battle first?"

5. 



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