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Today's jokes [1.6.18]

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A blond walks into a bar.

     Ouch!

1. 




   An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.
   It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor
   arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year
   old child.
   
   The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see
   while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the
   mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new
   born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take
   his first breath.
   
   "Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there
   in the first place!!"
   


2. 




                          Recipe for Banana Bread
     
   
        Ingredients:

         2 Laughing Eyes
         2 Loving Arms
         2 Well Shaped Legs
         2 Firm Milk Containers
         1 Fur Lined Mixing Bowl
         2 Large Nuts
         1 Large Banana

         Method:

         1.  Look into Loving Eyes.
         2.  Fold in Loving Arms.
         3.  Spread Well Shaped Legs.
         4.  Squeeze and massage Milk Containers gently until Fur Lined Mixing
             Bowl is well greased.  Check frequently with middle finger.
         5.  Add Banana - work in and out until well creamed.
         6.  Cover with Nuts and sigh with relief.

         Cake done when Banana becomes soft.  Be sure to wash mixing utensils
         and don't lick the bowl.

         N.B.  If cake begins to rise leave town immediately.
  


3. 




   Camel Died
   A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the dessert. After a few
   days the camel falls
   over dead. After looking over the situation the priest figures neither
   one of them will
   survive the rest of the journey.
   The priest asks the nun "I have never seen a woman's breasts, and at
   this point it probably
   wouldn't matter much, so could I see yours?" The nun agrees and shows
   him her breasts.
   "May I touch them?" The nun allows him to. The priest comments
   sincerely how
   wonderful they are. The nun then asks "Father, I have never seen a
   man's penis before,
   could you show me yours? The priest drops his drawers.
   "May I touch it?" After she fondles his penis for a minute he sports a
   huge erection. The
   priest says, "you know if I place my penis in the proper place it can
   give life!" "Is that
   right" the nun replies?
   "Yes," says the priest.
   So the nun said: "Then why don't you stick it up that camels ass and
   lets get the hell out of
   here!"
   


4. 




Why is the government like a prostitute?

                                 Your always getting screwed and you have to pay for it!

5. 



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