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Today's jokes [1.13.18]

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A bum asks a man for $2.
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum said, "No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can
see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"



1. 




We have various local spots where the teenagers park, cruise, hold drag
races, drink beer etc.  We happen to own a white 1983 Dodge Diplomat,
the exact kind of car used by the State Patrol around here as well as
many law enforcement agencies nationwide.  (Actually our car WAS a
state patrol car, but that's another story).  Anyway, my brother in
law, who is a cruiser, would occasionally borrow this car and drive it
down to the cruising spots.  Needless to say, when they saw him coming
there was brief but furious activity.  He finally had to stop doing
this because it made his friends so mad.

People hate to pass us on the freeway too.  It is not unusual to see
some Camaro or Porche come zipping along through traffic until he is
about 2 car lengths behind us, then decelerate to a perfect 55.00 miles
per hour.  It takes him about 10 seconds to look us over, decide we
aren't in uniform, notice that we don't have state license plates, and
make up his mind.  He will then typiclaly test how fast his car will
accelerate to about 90 mph.



2. 




An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the
nurses' office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died.
Nurse Jones, realizing the Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to play
along with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied.
Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home
with his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said,
"Mr.Smith I thought you told me your penis died".
"It did" he replied; "today is the viewing"

3. 




   While your sitting on the toilet you see written on the stall door:
   Congratulations! You've won one free game of Toilet Tennis!
   Look Left.
   You look left and it reads:
   Look Right
   You look right and it reads:
   Look Left...


4. 




   Four nuns arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter makes the
   inspection. The first one
   says:"I have to confess, I held mans penis in one hand." St. Peter
   says:"You see the bowl
   of holy water, wash your hand and go in." The second says:"I have to
   confess, I held
   mans penis in both hands." St. Peter:"Wash both your hands and go in.
   Suddenly the
   other two start fighting, something terrible. St.Peter goes there,
   pulls them apart, asks
   *What's going on? One of them shouts I want to gargle, before she
   washes her ass in
   there.
   


5. 



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