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Today's jokes [9.8.17]

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*ring* *ring*
"Hello?" Hearing only heavy breathing on the line, the woman repeated, "Hello?"

"I'll bet you want me to come into your bedroom," a male voice whispered
huskily, "...undress you, lick you from head to toe and make love to you until
morning."

"Geez," the woman replied, "you can tell all that from two hello's?"

1. 




                       Bill Clinton Statue Committee
                                      
                             1040 Waffle Street
                                      
                        Little Rock, Arkansas 72208
                                      
Dear Friend;

We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for the raising
of $5,000,000.00 for placing a statue of Bill Clinton in the Hall of Fame
in Washington, D.C.

This committee was in a quandary as to where to place the statue.  It was
not wise to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never
told a lie, nor beside Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth, since
Bill Clinton could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest
democrat of all.  He left not knowing where he was going, did not know
where he was, and returned not knowing where he had been.  And he did it
all on borrowed money.

Over 3,000 years ago Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your
shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised
land."  Nearly 3,000 years later Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels,
sit on your asses and light up a camel - this is the promised land."

Now, Bill Clinton is going to steal your shovels, kick your asses, raise
the price of camels and mortgage the promised land.  If you are one of the
fortunate people who has anything left after paying taxes, we expect a
very generous contribution to the worthwhile project.

Fraternally,



Bill Clinton Statue Committee


P.S. It is said that BIll Clinton is considering changing the Democratic
     Party emblem from a donkey to a condom, because it stands for
     inflation, halts productivity, covers up a bunch of pricks, and it
     gives a false sense of security.
  


2. 




What do you do with a dog with no legs?

Take it for a drag.

3. 




Q: Mom! Can I lick the bowl? Please!
A: Shut up and flush!


4. 




   Guilty

   Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder.
   There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no
   corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that
   his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be
   convicted, resorts to a clever trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the
   jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at
   his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case
   will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the
   courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A
   minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says: 'Actually, I
   made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with
   anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable
   doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you
   return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retires
   to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a
   representative pronounces a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquires the
   lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the
   door." Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client
   didn't."


5. 



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