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Today's jokes [9.5.17]

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A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. 
The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could 
get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for 
only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, --- they got the cow from 
Minsk.

It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots 
of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people 
decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, 
and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply 
again.

So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. 
When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the 
cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the 
cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all 
day.

Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi 
what to do. After all he was very wise.

They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our 
cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left 
and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the 
right. What do we do?"

The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow 
from Minsk?"

"Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said 
we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"

The Rabbi said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

1. 




Friend: Vern, are you going to take your wife Alice on your next cruise?
Vern: Yes, indeed. I just can't leave her behind alone. 

2. 




Q: Did you hear about the dyslectic agnostic with insomnia?
A: He used to lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.

3. 




   A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for
   company. There's
   plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing
   alright--but after a few
   months he gets "lonely", if you know what I mean. The pig starts to
   look more and more
   attractive--soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this
   poor guy makes an
   advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost
   bit his leg. One day
   the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it
   turns out to be a dinghy,
   cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman,
   unconscious. He drags her
   to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back to
   health. Finally she is
   well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for
   saving my life. I don't
   know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything,
   just name it." The guy
   thinks for a minute and says "Would you mind taking my dog for a
   walk?"
   


4. 




A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally 
swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no
ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, 
undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he 
looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him. 
"You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

5. 



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