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Today's jokes [9.14.17]

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From a Southwest Airlines employee....

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, 
insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like 
every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you 
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a 
sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the 
ceiling.  Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If 
you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before 
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, 
decide now which one you love more."

1. 




New scientific theories

2nd RunnerUp-  The 'Why Yawning Is Contagious' Theory: You yawn
to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change
outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so
they must yawn to even it all out.

2. 




A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason
the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked
what was wrong.
"Nothing," said the woman.
Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?"
"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked
and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's
Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you."
"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten
a Father's Day gift."
"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

3. 




Q.      Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
A.      It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.




4. 




What is the definition of ultimate rejection? 

     Your hand falling asleep while masturbating. 

5. 



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