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Today's jokes [8.8.17]

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    "Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?"
   inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously
   eyeing her bulging stomach. "Why, no Father," answered the nun
   demurely, "It's just a little gas."
   A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun
   noticing her habit barely fit across her belly. "Oh, just a bit of
   gas," said sister Ann, blushing a bit.
   On his next visit Father Dan was walking down the corridor when he
   passed Sister Ann wheeling a baby carriage. Looking in, the priest
   observed, "Cute little Fart!"


1. 




A secretary, who works in an office with my daughter's friend, 
Commented at lunch that it was such a shame that the spice 
girls couldn't stay together considering they are sisters and all. 
There was silence for a bit, then someone told her that they 
weren't sisters. She said, " Of course they are, they have the 
same last name." She Has unofficially been named "Dumb 
Spice"



2. 




I have lived in several different houses with a bunch of guys. Needless
to say things got pretty rowdy sometimes and many were victims of some
pretty funny jokes.  One of the favorites as I recall (and still is) is
to go into the bathroom while the victim is taking a shower, and pour
a bucket of extreeeemmmlly cold water on them over the top of the
shower curtain.  This is quite a shocking experience, and if you are
fast enough you can get away before the victim finds out you did it.

I remember one guy I lived with getting this all the time.  One time
he got sick of putting up with it and jumped out of the shower into
the hall squirting shampoo at everyone in sight.  The next time this
happened the guys were ready with a camera to take pictures of him as
he ran out of the bathroom.  These pictures were later shown at his
bachelor party.



3. 




A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are
playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. 

The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he
says, "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?" asks the man. 
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your
 wife's breast."

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW!  He hits the ball
250 yds. straight up the fairway.  The man goes back to his wife
with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. 

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her
swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and
THUMP.  The ball goes straight down the fairway. . . about 15 ft. 

"That was great," the pro says with a straight face. 
"Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're 
supposed to!"

4. 




    A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise
   for himself and his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise, the
   travel agent calls and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can
   get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy says "OK," and goes to
   the pharmacy to buy three Dramamine and three condoms.
   Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day
   cruise. The guy says he'll take it. Returns to the same pharmacy and
   buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms.
   The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now
   book an eight-day cruise. Guy says, "OK," and goes back to the drug
   store and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
   Finally, the pharmacist asks, "Look, if it makes you sick, how come
   you keep doing it?"


5. 



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