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Today's jokes [8.6.17]

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The Engineer had just returned from a week long seminar. His 
boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if were sick as 
he looked absolutely terrible. "Well..." said the Engineer, "I met 
this blonde and turned out she was an engineer-in-training and 
wanted me to tutor her. One thing lead to another and we 
ended up back in her room having wild gorilla sex all night."

"OK," replied the boss, "that may explain your fatigue, but why 
are your eyes so red ?"

"Well..." said the Engineer, "turns out she was married and had 
a baby at home. She started crying, and I started thinking 
about my own wife and kids, so I cried too."

"I see." chided the boss, "but that seminar ended Friday. How 
come you still appear so ragged ?"

"Well..." said the Engineer, "you can't sit there and cry 4-5 
times a day for four days and not look like this."



1. 




The Perverse Guide To Getting Hired

Chapter 1 - The Resume

     Your resume is a crucial document that summarises the
essence of your being to a potential employer.  You must grab
a personnel director's attention with your sheer, overpowering
wonderfulness, or your vitae will wind up lining the bottom of
her parakeet's cage.  Write a boring resume and you might as well
run down now and join the other unemployed grads behind the
appliance store, fighting for the choicest refrigerator carton to
live in.
     To grab an employer's jaded eye you must create the written
equivalent of a banshee wail!  Print your resume on hunter's
orange paper, so it nearly leaps out of the stack.  Experiment
with striking fonts, and use as many as possible.  Writing your
name in 2 inch high 3-D Western style letters at the top says
"Check ME out! I'm no shrinking violet!"  Sprinkle a bit of your
most sensual cologne on the sheet, and ladies, be sure to add a
good lipstick smooch mark at the bottom.  Don't forget your
picture, too!  Be sure and staple several of your best 8x10
glossies from Glamour Shots on top.
     Now that you've achieved that visceral "oomph", it's time to
polish the contents to bring out or even invent your positive
qualities.  Remember, a skilled wordsmith can transform any
qualification or attribute, no matter how trifling, into a
saleable skill.  Let's look at some examples of putting the best
"spin" on a job seeker's skills:

"I flipped burgers for three weeks at Lardee's."

     A mere burger flipper?  Why sell yourself so short?
Describe yourself as a "Grill Co-ordinator", or perhaps a
"Culinary Technician".

"I subbed in for my nephew's paper route one weekend."

     Ah!  So you were previously employed in "Communication
Services!"  Describe yourself as a "Journalism Representative."

"I spent the last five years sitting on a couch eating Cheetos
and watching Charlie's Angels reruns."

     You can transform the pathetic into the energetic by
referring to yourself as a "Consumer Broadcasting Specialist."
Let them know how much time you've wisely invested in "Popular
Drama Studies."

"I worked in telemarketing."

     Die you scumbag.

"I like to drink 3 or 4 bottles of Night Train wine and pass out
in a puddle of my own urine."

     I see!  An "Alternative Hygiene Researcher" who throws
himself into his work!

     Always remember to use active, "can-do" language in your
resume, and be sure to include as many of the following terms as
possible:

     1) Excellence (can't get enough of this one!)
     2) Goal-oriented
     3) Forward-thinking
     4) Like Working with People (as opposed to zoo animals)
     5) Striving (everyone likes a striver!)

It may be useful to define these as keyboard macros immediately.


Chapter 2 - The Interview

     So now you've got that big chance to shine in person.  Once
again, you've got to stand out from the crowd!  First, consider
your apparel carefully.  Gold lame harem pants will leave a
lasting impression, as will a nice fish or penis tie, available
in classier novelty stores.  Make these items staples of your
professional wardrobe.  Next, practice that handshake, and
consider adding a little thumb twist manoeuvre or a good high-
five.  And remember, no one likes shaking dry, chapped hands, so
make sure yours are damp when you leave the restroom.  Now jump
right in, and distinguish yourself with your first words.  Here's
some suggestions for opening lines:

"The voices told me I'm perfect for this job."
"I can make an impressive incendiary device from just your tie,
that pen, and a quart of anti-freeze."
"Maybe you can't tell, but I'm not wearing any underwear."
"Let's make this fast, I'm late for my medication."
"The foil wrapped around my head is to block out invisible rays."
"I was once abducted by a UFO, and the aliens let me pilot their
Starship."
"I brought my invisible friend, is that okay?"
"I have the gift of second sight, and if you step on Flight 109,
it will be your last!"

     Now that you've made a big impression, make sure you'll have
plenty of time to expound upon your finer qualities.  Consider
handcuffing yourself to the interviewer's desk, or perhaps smear
super-glue on your hand and grab them while shouting "Wonder twin
powers, activate!"
     Conclude the interview as notably as you began it.  A
gratuity is always welcome, so palm the interviewer a crisp new
dollar in the closing handshake while saying "Guess Mr.
Washington and I have this job wrapped up, huh? (wink, wink)"
And certainly don't forget the follow-up!  Unless a restraining
order has been obtained by the employer, call collect every hour
thereafter to remind them of your sincerity.



2. 




What's the difference between white onions, brown onions and a 30 centimeter
dick?

Nothing....  They all make your eyes water.

3. 




A truck driver breaks down and shortly another trucker stops to give
him hand. He notices that the first driver has a big red spot painted
on his dash and asks him what it's for. He replies "Oh that's a
conversation piece for when I pick up female hitchhikers. I get lots
of pussy that way" The other driver thinks that's a great idea so he
paints a red spot on his dash too. Then he sees a girl hitchhiking so
he picks her up. She notices the red spot on the dash and asks him
what it's for. He says "It's a conversation piece. You wanna fuck?"

4. 




Larry's barn burned down, and Susan, his wife, called the insurance
company ...

Susan: We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.
Agent: Whoa there just a minute, Susan; it doesn't work quite like that. 
We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one 
of comparable worth.
Susan, after a pause: I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband.

5. 



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