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Today's jokes [8.5.17]

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Why does a Jewish American Princess close her eyes during sex? 

     She can't stand it to see her husband enjoy himself. 

1. 




What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? 

Beat it! We're closed...

2. 




A man was driving from New York to San Francisco.  He got as far as
Cleveland, when he realized he was getting terribly horny.  So he looked 
up a house of ill repute and took care of the problem.  Immediately, a 
severe guilt reaction set in, so he went to confession.  For penance, he 
was told to say 10,000 Hail Mary's.  So he went on driving and praying.
By the time he got through with the 10,000 Hail Mary's, he was approaching
San Francisco.  Suddenly he realized he was terribly horny.
So he looked up a house of ill repute, and had an orgy.  Again there was a
severe guilt reaction, so he went to confession.  It was an old Irish 
priest who said, "For penance say three Hail Mary's".  The man said, 
"What??  In Cleveland, I had to say 10,000 Hail Mary's for the same thing.  
Father replied quietly, "Sure now, and what would they know about fucking 
in Cleveland?".

3. 




Q: What do you get when you cross an Arab with a Mexican?

A: Oil of Ole'

4. 




   Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who
   should he see, but his
   old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris
   looked so down and
   dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him. "Say,
   Chris, how ya
   doing? How's the tractor selling business these days?" If Chris had
   looked sad before, at
   the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came
   to his eye.
   "John," he said, shaking his head, "I don't know what it is. I can't
   sell a tractor these days
   to save my life. I'll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and
   soon, or else I'll lose that
   dealership for good."
   "Well," John said, taking the barstool next to him, "If you think you
   got it bad, I got it
   worse. Now you listen to this...." "I went out to the barn the other
   morning to milk
   Bessy. That ol' cow gets more ornery as the years go by. Anyway, no
   sooner did I sit
   down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol' Bes starts a
   slappin' me with her tail.
   After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over
   the rafters, and tied ol'
   Bessy's tail to the rafters. Then I got back to work." "I didn't even
   get two squirts into the
   bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy,
   did that upset
   me! So I get me another rope an' tie Bessy's right hind leg to the
   side of the milking stall,
   and get a started trying to milk her again." "Well by this time,
   Bessy's about livid, and she
   doesn't want any part of it, so she let's me have it with her other
   hind leg. I wasn't about
   to give in to this ol' cow, so I got me yet another piece of rope and
   tied up Bessy's left leg
   to the other side of the stall." Just then John paused to take a sip
   his beer.
   Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John,
   "Well, did you finally
   get to milk her?" "Well, yes and no, Chris. But I'll tell ya what...
   If you can convince my
   wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I'll BUY a tractor from
   ya....!"
   


5. 



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