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Today's jokes [8.4.17]

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There were two cats that enjoyed running together. 
The first cat was english, called One-two-three.
The other was french and called Un-deux-trois. 
One day when they were running they came to a huge
river. The cats took a large run up and leapt as
far as they could. Which cat drowned? 
     Un-deux-trois cat sank 
     (un deux trois quatre cinq) 

1. 




Returning from her vacation, the young secretary was telling anyone
   who would listen about what a fun time she had. She then asked for two
   weeks leave in which to get married.
   
   "But you just had two weeks off," said the boss. "Why didn't you get
   married then ?"
   
   "What and ruin my vacation ?" she whined.


2. 




Father Goose Story No. 9



   Once there was a King who was loved by all of his subjects, especially
because of the hunting excursions he shared with them.  As will happen,
one day he died and his eldest son took the throne.  Now this new king
was an animal-lover to the core, and immediately outlawed all forms of
hunting and fishing.  His subjects accepted this for only a short time
before they ousted him.  This is a truly significant event, because it's
the first time a reign was called on account of the game.

3. 




A priest is teaching a nun how to swim and the nun says to the priest 
"Will I really sink if you take your finger out?"

4. 




This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after 
a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix 
her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one 
Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible 
hand when she notices the time. 

"Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to 
be so angry if it's not ready on time." And she dashes out of her 
friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table.

When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not 
enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the 
cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. 
In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and 
garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling 
up. 

She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then 
she realizes he is loving it! "Mmmm, darling, this is the best 
dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You 
can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!" And that night 
they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!

Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this 
dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and 
they are all horrified.

"You're going to kill him," they say, or "He's just yanking your 
chain," but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and 
then, afterwards, they would bonk like fiends.

Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women 
the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being 
so callous. "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that 
cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit 
there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your 
husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel 
when he was licking his ass."

5. 



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