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Today's jokes [8.3.17]

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A blind man walks into a drug store with his seeing eye dog.
He takes the dogs leash & starts swinging it around & around
his head.
The druggist says "May I help you?" 
The blind man replies "No thank you, I'm just looking
around."

1. 




    A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to
   marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each
   other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we
   go along."
   So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a
   very nice resort.
   So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his
   towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck
   gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position,
   where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
   After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the
   towel. She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an
   Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about
   ourselves as we went along."
   So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about
   thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out
   of breath.
   He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
   "No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of
   the canal."


2. 




After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly 
announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a 
minister when I grow up. 

"That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you 
decide to be a minister?" 

"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday 
anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than 
to sit still and listen.

3. 




GOD will save me

   The police were going door to door warning everyone to evacuate
   because the river was rising. One door they came to, the man said "GOD
   will save me".
   The river continued to rise and he was forced to move everthing to the
   second floor of his house. A man in a boat came by and offered to save
   him. Again he said "GOD will save me".
   Pretty soon the second story was flooded and he was forced to get on
   the roof of his house. A helicopter came by and tried to save him and
   yet again he said "GOD will save me".
   It wasn't long before the house was completely covered and the man
   died and went to heaven. He confronted God with "Why didn't you save
   me, GOD?"
   And God said " I sent you the police, a boat and a helicopter. Why did
   you stay in the house?"


4. 




   A Synopsis of the Microsoft Car
   At a recent computer expo (Comdex), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
   computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept
   up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be
   driving $25.00 cars that get 100 miles to the gallon." Recently,
   General Motors addresses this comment by releasing this statement,
   "yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
   Below is a synopsis of the Microsoft Car: Every time they repainted
   the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car. Occasionally
   your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just
   accept this, restart and drive on. Occasionally, executing a maneuver
   would cause your car to stop and fail, and you would have to
   re-install the engine. for some strange reason, you would accept this
   too. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you
   bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
   Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
   five times faster, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on 5% of
   the roads. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft
   upgrades for their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
   The oil, gas and alternator lights would be replaced with single
   "general car fault" lights. The airbag system would say "Are you
   sure?" before going off. If you were involved in a crash, you would
   have no idea what happened.


5. 



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