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Today's jokes [8.13.17]

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How does a Russian commit suicide? 
     He smells his armpit 

How does an American commit suicide? 
     He tells this joke to a Russian.
 

1. 




                   HOUSE PET

       Age         Pet

        17         roaches
        25         stoned-out college roommate
        35         Irish setter
        48         children from his first marriage
        66         Barbi

2. 




   Mr. Jones had hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very
   polite. While taking
   dictation one morning, she noticed that his fly was open. Upon leaving
   the room she said,
   "Mr. Jones, your barracks door is open."
   He was puzzled by her remark, but later that day he noticed that his
   zipper was open. So,
   he decided to have a little fun with his secretary and called her back
   into his office. "By the
   way Miss Smith," he said, "When you noticed my barracks door open this
   morning, did
   you also notice a soldier standing at attention ?"
   "Why no sir," she replied, "All I saw was a little disabled veteran
   sitting on two duffel
   bags."
   


3. 




The South Takes a Cue from Oakland 



Everyone is familiar with the plan to teach Ebonics in such leftist enclaves as California and
Massachusetts. "Ebonics," a neologism created by combining "Ebony" and "phonics," is supposed 
to be the language of the untermenschen, the urban underclass.

Here in the South, we have a similar movement, called "Bubbonics!" Created from mixing "Bubba"
and "phonics," we too have an entirely separate language from English. Like Ebonics, Bubbonics 
has a slightly different alphabet and different pronunciations from standard English. For 
example, the English language includes the letter "L" although Bubbonics does not. Likewise, 
vowel pronunciation in Bubbonics is different from English pronunciation.

Take, for example, the following sentences in English, and their translation into Bubbonics:

Can I help you?
Kin ah hip ewe?

Hi, I'm Don Fowler.
Hah, ahm Dahn Fah-wah.

The discerning English speaker quickly notices that Bubbonics has fewer vowel sounds than 
English, and the primary vowel sound is "ah." The letters A and E are generally replaced with 
the sound of a short i.

For the advanced scholar, there are actually many interesting comparisons between Ebonics and
Bubbonics. Indeed, there have even been suggestions that Ebonics is actually a degraded form 
of Bubbonics, which is itself a degraded form of English. Consider the following statement in
Bubbonics and their counterparts in Ebonics:

Ah axed ewe a quest-shun.
I axed you a question, sukka.

Ah be smaht.
I be smarts now.

Hooked ahn Bahbahnics wukks fuh me.
Hooked on 'bonics be wukking fo me.

If you're a native English speaker, and you can read the writing on the wall, then you know 
that your native tongue is soon to be as dead as Latin, spoken only in weird rituals or taught 
to kids in prep school.

And if you're a native English speaker and you CAN'T read the writing on the wall, it's 
probably already in Bubbonics or Ebonics, and you're just that far behind.

Gracefully surrender the things of your youth. Clean air. Tuna. Taiwan. The English language. 
And remember: Bilingual Education means teaching kids to be illiterate in two languages.

4. 




Barbie and G.I. Joe                                                               

    A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her
    turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What
    would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"

    The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe."
    Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says,
    "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

    "No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe,
    she fakes it with Ken."

5. 



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