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Today's jokes [8.11.17]

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As the end of the day drew near, the handsome executive 
called his newly hired red-headed assistant into his office. "Do you
know what time we quit around here ?" he asked.
"Sure !" the girl nervously giggled. "Whenever somebody 
knocks on the door."



1. 




Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so
long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married
and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So,
he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the
plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas. 

As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and 
exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead 
Elvis! How have you been?" Father looks at her and says, "Get outta me
face. Can't you see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis." 

The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and
he's a little upset so he tells the cabby, "Take me to my hotel and
step on it." The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir - Oh my God!
It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so
great to see you!" "Shut up, you imbecile. I'm not Elvis! Now turn
around and drive!" 

So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things 
and walks up to the hotel check-in counter. "Oh my God! Oh my God!
It's you!" screams the hotel clerk. "You're back Elvis! I knew this
day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free 
cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, 
complementary hookers and a full liquor bar! I'm so glad you're back!"

Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, "Thank you... Thank
you very much!"

2. 




   One Sunday morning Joe burst into the living room and said, "Dad, Mom,
   I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most
   beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
   
   After dinner, Joe's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with
   you.. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful
   wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I
   used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your
   half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
   
   Joe was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating
   girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced,
   "Dianne said yes! We are getting married in June."
   
   Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke
   the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, Joe, I am very sorry
   about this."
   
   Joe was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.
   
   "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I am never going to get married",
   he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my
   half-sister."
   
   His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he
   says, dear. He's not really your father."
   


3. 




Two men went to the desert for a vacation. They rented a camel and headed 
out. Five days later they came back but without the camel. The man who had 
rented them the camel was very upset and screamed, "Where is my camel?" 
They replied, "Well, we were riding along when we kept hearing people say, 
'Look at the two assholes on that camel!' So finally we got off to take a 
look and the damn camel ran away!" 

4. 




Finally, Serbian hackers hacked the navigation systems of "Tomahawk" 
missiles -- now they're called "Boomerang."

5. 



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