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Today's jokes [7.9.17]

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This guy walks into a psychiatrist's office with a concerned look 
on his face.  "Doc," he says, "I'm worried.  It's that dream.  I'm 
having it again."

"What dream?" asked the shrink, not really paying attention.

"You know," says the man, "the one where I'm into sadism and 
bestiality and necrophilia.  Should I be worried or am I just 
beating a dead horse?"

1. 




Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty
girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress.
 How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face,
the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then
held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old
man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.




2. 




   Liz Taylor goes in to see her cosmetic surgeon. "I have met the man of
   my dreams, finally, the love of my life !" she announces to the
   surgeon, "But I need you to help me with a small problem. This man is
   only 18 years old, I am truly head over heels in love with him, and
   don't want to disappoint him in any way, so I want you to make my
   vagina look like that of an 18 year old."
   
   The surgeon tells Liz of the delicate situations involved with this
   operation, but does finally agree to performing the said operation.
   
   "But one thing" Liz says "you have to swear to me that no one knows
   about this operation, that no magazines or tabloids hear about it!"
   
   "I swear Liz" the surgeon replies.
   
   The big day arrives, Liz goes under the knife, the operation goes text
   book perfect and she is moved to a recovery room. Upon regaining
   consciousness, Liz's eyes focus on three huge floral arrangements at
   the foot of her bed. As the surgeon enters the room to check on her,
   Liz bursts into tears.
   
   "How could you do this to me !!! You swore that not a soul would hear
   of this operation!!! "
   
   "Now, now Liz, I didn't tell a soul. The first arrangement is from me.
   I've been your friend, as much as your surgeon for the past 10 years,
   I just wanted to make you feel good. The second arrangement is from
   the anesthesiologist, he's gay, he's one of your biggest fans, and I
   thought it was okay, since he's worked side by side with me on your
   operation."
   
   Liz's eyes gazed over to the third arrangement, pointing her finger
   ,"And who sent those?"
   
   "Oh yeah" the surgeon replied. "Those are from a guy in the burns
   unit, he wanted to thank you for his new ears".
   


3. 




How do you get Visual Aids? 

     - From a nasty poke in the eye. 

4. 




Why are girls like pianos?

When they're not upright, they're grand...

5. 



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