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Today's jokes [7.6.17]

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   There's a guy hitchiking along the highway, when along comes an
   18-wheeler. It pulls up, and comes to a grinding halt. The hitcher
   runs to the truck, reaches up, opens the door and jumps in. Inside the
   truck is the driver, and beside him is his pet monkey.
   
   "Great lookin' monkey, mate" said the hitcher.
   
   "Yeah, he's great company, and he looks after you as well. Take a look
   at this."
   
   Without further ado, the truckie winds up, and punches the monkey in
   the guts with all his might. The monkey dutifully bends down, unzips
   the truckie's fly, goes down and gets to work on the truckie at a
   vigorous pace. Once the captain of the Kenworth has unloaded his cargo
   all over the cabin, the monkey wipes him off, zips up his master's fly
   and sits back down in his seat in the cabin.
   
   "That's GREAT!!!" says the by now quite interested hitchiker. "Can I
   have a go??"
   
   The truckie looks across and replies, "Yeah sure, why not?"
   
   "There's only one thing though" says the hitcher.
   
   "What?"
   
   "There's no need to smack me in the guts so hard."
   


1. 




WASHINGTON, DC - Frustrated by failed attempts to turn 
public support away from the president, congress today 
announced it would begin releasing completely fabricated 
documents and videotapes on Monday.

Speaker Newt Gingrich addressed the press at the Capitol this 
morning. "We feel that with the release of all the documents 
from the Starr Inquisition, and the public still supporting the 
president, we need to take further steps in our neverending goal 
of overturning the 1992 and 1996 elections. 

On Monday morning, we will release a diary of President 
Clinton's in which he claims to have had dinner with Adolf Hitler, 
Ayatolla Khomeni and Saddam Hussein, and later slept with 
them in the Lincoln Bedroom. He also claims in the diary, 'Meat 
is murder, I am a communist, Die Capitalist Die!' We will also 
release a doctored videotape showing the president strangling a 
litter of small kittens."

A CNN/Newsweek poll following the press conference showed a 
slight rise in the president's approval rating.

2. 




What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling 
your name?

You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

3. 




When that fool Reagan said that the Soviet Union was a failed
experiment headed for the ash heap of history, I knew he was a
demagogue.
        When that fool Reagan said that the Soviet Union was an evil
empire, I knew he was a dangerous kook.
        When that fool Reagan said that we could end the Cold War by
escalating the arms race, I knew the odds favored nuclear
annihilation.
        When the Soviet Union went broke, dissolved, and repudiated
its past, I knew it was all Gorbachev's genius, and that fool Reagan
had nothing to do with it.
        Because if that fool Reagan was right all along...
        ...what kind of fool am I?
        --Jules Feiffer

4. 




A WOMAN'S SCHEDULE
1. Get up. 
2. Pee. 
3. Drink raspberry-cranberry tea. 
4. Pee. 
5. Apply makeup. Pee first so you don't have to stop in the 
middle. 
6. Drive to work. Pee at gas station. Complain about dirty 
restroom. Go to a different gas station and pee there. 
7. Get to work at Burger King. Pee. Wash hands. 
8. Lunch. Slimfast. Pee. 
9. Arrive home. Pee. Shower. Pee. 
10. Promise sex to husband. Pee. Get up in the middle of sex 
and pee. 
11. Pee. Go to bed. Get up at 3 A.M. waking husband but 
instead of giving him head, go and pee.

5. 



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