Today's jokes [7.3.17]
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A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut through
a graveyard. It is raining heavily and very dark. The drunk
fails to see an open grave and falls into it. He tries to
climb out of it, but it is too deep and the rain has turned
the dirt to mud and has made it too slippery to climb. He
gives up after a while and decides to spend the night there.
A while later, another drunk leaves the same bar and
decides to take the same shortcut through the graveyard. He,
too, falls into that open grave and tries to climb out but
the mud is too slippery. The first drunk is still sitting
there and watches as the other drunk tries but fails to get
The first drunk stands up, taps the second drunk on the
shoulder and tells him, "You'll never get out!".
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out
that she's pregnant! She is furious. Here just became the senator of
New York and this has happened to her. She gets Bill on the phone and
immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen?
With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How
could you??!!! I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks
pregnant and it is all your fault!!! Your fault!!! Well, what have
you got to say???"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams
again, "Did you hear me??!!" Finally she hears Bill's very, very
quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"
It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the
zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress,
sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass
in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.
He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet),
grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously
excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing
the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.
The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play
along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises
that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one
of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear
the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs"
... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the
door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell
HIM you have a headache."
Good News, Bad News, Worse News II
Your son studies a lot in his room
You find several porn movies hidden there
You're in them
A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor
operation. She's laid on a trolley bed by a lady in
a white dress and brought to the corridor. Before
they enter the room she leaves her behind the theatre
door to go in and check whether everything is ready.
A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the
sheet away and starts examining her naked body. He walks
away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second
man comes over and does the same examinations.
When the third man starts examining her body so closely,
she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are
fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start th
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have
no idea. We're just painting the corridor."
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