Today's jokes [7.14.17]
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This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend
"I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy
a horse, I'm sending him over."
The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or
"A female horth," the midget replies.
So the owner shows him one.
"Nith looking horth, can I see thea her mouth?"
So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse s mouth.
"Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?"
So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes.
"Ok, what about the earsth?"
Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one
more time and shows the ears.
"OK, finally, I d like to see her twat," said the midget.
With that, the owner picked up the midget and shoved his head up
the horse's twat, then pulled him out.
Shaking his head, the midget says, "perhapth I should rephrase.
I'd like to see her run!"
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's
got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says,
"What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and
finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the
sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto
the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags
contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan
crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years.
Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a
Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something.
It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about.....
I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other,
"Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to
lose my fucking arse."
Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.
Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied,
"If I don't sell more arse this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."
A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an
apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she
looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So
the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man.
She asks: "You come every day to the wall. How long have you
done that and what are you praying for?"
The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25
years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the
brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea and I come
back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from
The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come
here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she
The old man looks at her sadly. "Like I'm talking to a wall."
AND YET ANOTHER DRUMMER JOKE!
What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
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