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Today's jokes [7.12.17]

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An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair 
of glasses. The Captain looked in his book of record and said, 
"But you just got a new pair last month!"
"Yes sir, b.. b.. but I got them b..broken in an accident," 
stammered the private.
"Accident, what kind of an accident?" The Captain looked in his 
book of Accident definitions and glossaries, "Road-march 
accident, Firing Range accident, PT accident, Drill accident?"
"No, no nothing of those..." said the private.
"Well then, what is it?"
"I'd rather not tell you sir..."
"Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses," said the 
medical officer, ready to stand up, "I've to see my patients 
now." 
"No, no sir wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girl," 
blurted the private.
"Don't be daft man, how could you break your glasses kissing 
a girl?"
"You see, she crossed her legs....."

1. 




How do you know a blond has been using your computer?

When the joy stick is wet!


Sent by Richard

2. 




A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the 
local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He 
decided to seek compensation for his ailment. 
Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he is 
interviewed by an assessor.

Assessor: I see you work with radio-active materials and wish 
to claim compensation. 
Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick. 
Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to 
protect you from radiation poisoning? 
Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job. 
Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive? 
Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined. 
Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept? 
Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead. 
Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead 
suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept 
in a lead container. 
Trucker: Yeah, thatís right. All lead. 
Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim against him for 
radiation poisoning. 
Trucker: I'm not. I claiming for lead poisoning.

3. 




What is red and sticky and crawls up a girls thigh?

A home-sick abortion.

4. 




Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this 
gorgeous woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next 
to her.  He buys her a drink and then another and then another. 
After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back 
to his place for a "good time."

"Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am? I don't turn 
into a slut after 3 drinks, you  know!"

"OK,"  replies Joe, "so how many does it take?"

5. 



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