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Today's jokes [7.10.17]

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Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. 

Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new 
Viagra?"

Grandpa looks at him and says "No Johnny, I will not."

"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny. Grandpa replies. 

"Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you 
have no one worth writing to."

1. 




A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. 
During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much 
about the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After 
the game they ask her, "How is it that you know so much 
about baseball?"

She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change."

The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. 

"What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when 
they cut IT off?"

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

"Was it when they cut off your balls?"

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

"What was the most painful part?"

"The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in 
half!"

2. 




What did the boy with a long tongue and big
lips say to his mom as he was masturbating? 

    "look Ma', no hands" 

3. 




    Last Lunch

   Three steel workers were having lunch at the construction site, a 20
   story building. The first worker is Italian and when he looks in his
   lunch box, he exclaims, "Oh, no, if I have to eat spaghetti for lunch
   one more time, I going to jump off the 20th floor and kill myself."
   The second worker is Hispanic. When he looks in his lunch box, he
   exclaims, " Oh, no, if I have to eat tacos for lunch one more time, I
   going to jump off the 20th floor and kill myself." The third worker is
   polish. When he looks in his lunch box, he exclaims, "Oh, no, if I
   have to eat polish sausage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump
   off the 20th floor and kill myself."
   The next day the Italian looks in his lunch box, sees a bowl of
   spaghetti. He walks to the edge and jumps to his death. Then the
   Hispanic worker looks in his lunch box, sees 2 tacos. He walks to the
   edge and jumps to his death. Finally the polish worker looks in his
   lunch box, sees a polish sausage sandwich. He walks to the edge and
   jumps to his death.
   At the funeral for the three workers the Italian workers wife is
   sobbing out of control and cries," Oh, its all my fault. If only I had
   packed him a different lunch!" The Hispanics wife is also sobbing out
   of control and cries," Oh, its all my fault. If only I had packed my
   husband a different lunch!" The polish workers wife isn't crying at
   all so the other two wives confront her.
   "Don't look at me," she exclaims, "He packs his own lunch!"


4. 




A woman shows up at the white house in a trench coat and scarf and says, 
"I received your emergency phone call, Mrs. Clinton, and came right away, 
but what could "I" possibly do to save the country?"
Mrs. Clinton: "Come inside and let me explain, Mrs. Bobbit..."

5. 



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