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Today's jokes [6.5.17]

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Q: What is the last thing each Tickle Me Elmo doll receives before he 
leaves the factory?
   A: Two Test Tickles 

1. 




How do you know you're leading a sad life?

When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends." 


2. 




Love Jesus

                                  by Dennis DiPasquale



                       The other day I went to the local religious book store,
                where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it
                 and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I
                did. What an uplifting experience followed.  I was stopped at the
                  light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the
                 Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper
                  sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus.
                Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY
                 love the lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and
                   yelled, "Jesus Christ!!" as loud as he could. It was like a
                    football game with him shouting, "GO JESUS CHRIST,GO!!!"
                Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and
                 waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have
                   been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him
                 yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a
                   funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

                     I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed,
                    looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the
                Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him
                 the good luck sign back. Several cars behind, a very nice black
                man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear
                    him very well, but it sounded like, "Mother trucker," or
                 "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must
                really love the lord. A couple of the people were so caught up in
                 the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were
                  walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I
                noticed that the light had changed, and stepped on the gas. And a
                good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the
                intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way
                 out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian
                    good luck sign, as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such
                                        wonderful folks.



3. 




How many men does it take to pop popcorn? 

     Three. One to hold the pan and two to show off and shake the stove. 

4. 




An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and
deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head. 

"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper." 

"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

5. 



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