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Today's jokes [6.17.17]

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A drunken blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would 
like, and she replies, "Gimme a beer." 
The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?" 
To which she replies, "Fine thanks, and how's your cock?" 

1. 




   A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the
   checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Your husband is
   suffering from severe, long-term stress and it's affecting his
   cardiovascular system. He's a good candidate for either a heart attack
   or a stroke. If you don't do the following four things, your husband
   will surely die".
   
   "First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to
   work in a good mood."
   
   "Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him
   in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work."
   
   "Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him
   with household chores."
   
   "Fourth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving stress,
   have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim in
   bed."
   
   On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked,
   "So, I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure seemed serious. What
   did he tell you?"
   
   "You're going to die," she replied.
   


2. 




Willy's rolling down the hall of a retirement home acting
like he's driving a car, an orderly turns the corner and
asks Willy what he's doing.

Willy replies, "I'm going to Chicago for the weekend."

The orderly chuckles and enters Bob's room to check on him.
He catchs Bob pleasuring himself, when asked what he is doing,
Bob replies,"I'm screwing Willy's old lady while he's away
in Chicago."

3. 




What is green, has four legs and smells like woman?

The white house's pool table

4. 




Tombstone Epitaph In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.



5. 



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