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Today's jokes [6.13.17]

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One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved
into the house next door. He was also quick to notice
that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually
in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of
breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much
as possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could
stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's
house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man,
opened the door.
"Excuse me", our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how
beautiful your wife is."
"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.
"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts
are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those
breasts."
The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears
and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a
few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.
"OK," the husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss
my wife's tits."
At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire
hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub
his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes,
until the husband gets annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he
growls.
"I can't" replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.
"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.
"I don't have ten thousand dollars."

1. 




Bill and Bob met at the club for their weekly golf game.
And for the third week in a row, it was raining too hard to play.
Bill: Well, Bob, what do you want to do now?
Bob: Darts?
Bill: Nah.
Bob: Shoot some pool?
Bill: Nah.
Bob: Cards?
Bill: Nah. Hey, I've got an idea. We can go over to my house and
fool around with my wife.
Bob: Whadaya mean?
Bill: Just what I said. We'll go to my house and we can fool around
with my wife.
Bob: What about me?
Bill: She's a sport. She won't mind at all.
Bob: Well... if you think it's okay...
Bill: Sure. C'mon, let's go!
at Bill's house
Bill: Honey, I'm home. Honey. Sweetheart! Damn! She must have gone
shopping. Tell ya what, Bob. Let's go to your house!


2. 




Have you heard about the latest Polish parachute?

It opens on impact.

3. 




OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books.  Simply cross
out the names and address of people you don't know. FOOL other drivers into
thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote
control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting
the curb. LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna.  I found
that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in
only 2 days. AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned
to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. NO TIME for a
bath?  Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it
off. SAVE ON BOOZE by drinking cold tea instead of whisky.  The following
morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full
of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. RECREATE
the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the
bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it,
before jumping in.

4. 




A man goes to his bank manager and says "I'd like to start a small 
business how do I go about it?"
The bank manager leans back and clasps his hands together on his gut and 
replies "Buy a big one and wait" 

5. 



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