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Today's jokes [6.12.17]

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MOST IMPORTANTLY: DON'T forward any of this to your boss by mistake!!!

1. 




How does a women hold her liquor?

By the ears.

2. 




   Three lawyers met at an upscale nightspot for drinks one Friday night,
   got real plastered and met with unfortunate results on their way home.
   On Saturday, they were comparing notes during a round of golf.
   
   Lawyer 1 said he had gotten so drunk that he became disoriented and
   was very sick. When he arrived home he said that he was in such bad
   shape that he even blew chunks.
   
   Lawyer 2 said he thought he had an even worse experience. He lost
   control of his new BMW and totaled it by driving it into a utility
   pole. Fortunately, he wasn't injured in the crash.
   
   Lawyer 3 claimed his experience was the worst. He said when he got
   home his girlfriend was so pissed at him for being out late that she
   started throwing things at him. She totally destroyed a Ming dynasty
   vase that had an appraised value of over a half a million dollars.
   Then she went into the garage and started up his new Ferrari after
   dumping sugar in the gas tank.
   
   Lawyer 1 was standing there just shaking his head and crying
   uncontrollably. The other two asked him what was the matter. He said,
   "You guys just don't understand - "Chunks" is my dog!"
   


3. 




What do you do if your bank account stops working?

Throw the guy out of the house.

4. 




Jon starts working in a lumber camp.  The boss says, "We 
work twelve hours a day, we eat two meals a day, lights out at 
ten-thirty, and you can put your dick in the barrel over there for 
a blow job any day but Thursday."

Jon says, "Why not Thursday?"

The boss says, "Because Thursday is your turn in the barrel."

5. 



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