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Today's jokes [6.11.17]

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A long time resident of San Francisco is packing all
his stuff into boxes.  His roommate comes in & asks
what he's doing. "I'm leaving !" he replies. "They just
made homosexuality legal."

"So why leave now ?" queries his roomie. "Gays have
been part of the scene here for years and years."

"Yeah, I know." he replied. "I'm getting the hell out
of here before the damn fools make it compulsory."



1. 




When I was growing up I used to lick all the kids on the block except for 
the Browns...They were boys. 

2. 




Why does an elephant have four feet?

Because it would look silly with six inches.

3. 




MESSAGE FROM THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON TO THE BRITISH FOREIGN
   OFFICE IN LONDON--
   written from Central Spain, August 1812

   Gentlemen,
   Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the
   approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been
   diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H.M.
   ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters.
   We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all
   manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me
   accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and
   spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been
   accounted for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your
   indulgence.
   Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains
   unaccounted for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has
   been a hideous confusion as the number of jars of raspberry jam issued
   to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This
   reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of
   circumstance, since we are war with France, a fact which may come as a
   bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.
   This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation
   of my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better
   understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I
   construe that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as
   given below. I shall pursue either one with the best of my ability,
   but I cannot do both:
   1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the
   benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance.
   2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.
   Your most obedient servant,
   Wellington


4. 




   When the airline Captain announced they were flying over Salt Lake
   City, Utah, a woman
   told the man sitting beside her, "I understand this is the home of the
   Mormon religion
   where husbands believe it's OK to have more than one wife." That's
   true," he replied, "as
   a matter of fact I happen to be a Mormon myself and have nine wives."
   "How
   disgusting,"she said,"you should be ashamed of yourself, such
   practices should be against
   the law and you ought to be hung." With a slight grin, he just said,
   "Yes, mam I am."
   


5. 



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