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Today's jokes [6.10.17]

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It has been determined that having sex before participating
in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not
impair the athlete's performance. In fact, men have known
and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance
at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"

1. 




                       The Technologically Challenged
     
   
Just in case you think YOU are TC (technologically challenged), there's
still hope:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press
   Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key
   is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse
   was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to
   be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining
   that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old
   (5-1/4") diskettes.  After troubleshooting for magnets and heat
   failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer
   had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter
   to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
   diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along
   with photocopies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy
   back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to
   hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and going
   across the room to close the door.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer
   to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician
   discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it
   in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
   longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and
   water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys
   and washing them individually.
8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
   because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid".  The
   tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid"
   responses shouldn't be taken personally.
9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents.
   He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find
   printer."  The user had even tried turning the computer screen to
   face the printer - but his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
10.An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get
   her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was
   plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed
   the power button.  Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot
   pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the
   mouse!
11.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her
   brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit,
   plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to
   happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch,
   she asked "What power switch?"
12.True story from a Novell NetWire  SysOp:
   Caller: "Hello, is this  Tech Support?"
   Tech:   "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
   Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my
            warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
   Tech:   "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
   Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
   Tech:   "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am.
            Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show?
            How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark
            on it?"
   Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
            promotion.  It just has '4X' on it."
   At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he
   couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been
   using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and
   snapped it off the drive.
13.Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang
   for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to
   put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk, but I
   squeezed it in.  When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't
   even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2"
   meant to remove Disk 1 first.
  


2. 




A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every 
day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round 
and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is 
a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, 
she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they 
play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a very close 
match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer
and she wins their little competition on the last hole.

He congratulates her in the car park then offers to give her a lift 
when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly 
enjoyable morning.

On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's 
company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself 
so much on the course for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd 
like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated 
everything." He pulls over, they kiss and she shows him her 
appreciation... 

The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests 
they play together again. He's actually quite competitive and 
slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they 
have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and 
playing a tight, competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at 
the last, again he drives her home and again she shows her 
appreciation.

This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. 
This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the 
car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he 
has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner 
for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of 
passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel. 

Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to 
this. He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she 
admits the reason.

"You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite."

He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to 
a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion. 
"I'm sorry," she repeats.

"You bastard," he screams, red in the face, "You cheating 
bastard. You've been playing off the red tees all week!!"

3. 




Ken: So Mr. President did you ever buy Lewinsky any gifts
Prez: I don't rightly recall ... actually I did once splash out on a dress
for her

4. 




This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally
fundamentally Christian pet.  So, they went shopping.
At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they
liked quite a lot.  When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it 
in a flash.  When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied 
equally fast, using his paws with dexterity.  They were impressed, 
purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).
That night they had friends over.  They were so proud of their new
fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed 
off a little.
The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any 
of the usual dog tricks, as well.  This stopped the couple cold, as they 
hadn't thought about "normal"  tricks.
Well, they said, "let's try this out."
Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command,
"Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead,
closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

5. 



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