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Today's jokes [6.1.17]

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Steve complained to his friend Al that lovemaking with his wife was 
becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative buddy. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing 
doctor for an hour?"
"Sounds great," Steve replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?" 
"Hell, just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!"

1. 




Save the Yeasts



                      EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD
                              IS BAKED,
                            APPROXIMATELY
                        150,000,000 YEASTS ARE
                                KILLED.

                 Come to the award-winning 1987 film,
                  "The Very Small and Quiet Screams"
        -- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.

"A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't."

                +------------------------------------+
                | Evening showing in Johnson & Wales |
                |    Pirsig Auditorium: 7PM, 4/19    |
                +------------------------------------+
============================================================================
                             SPONSORED BY
                Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC)
               Student Bakers for Social Responsibility
              Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL)
                   Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters
============================================================================
   Defend all life: 'from greatest to least, from human to yeast!"



            This poster printed on 100% yeast-free paper.



2. 




A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his
 doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds.  Next thing he sees is an
 advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program.  Guaranteed like
 heck, he thinks to himself. But lets see what they think they can do.
 He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight
 loss program.
 The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers,
 there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe
 dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her
 neck.  She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss
 company.  The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. Well,
 without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn't).
 A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has
 his way with her.  After they are through he kisses the girl one last
 time and thinks to himself with a nod, I like the way this company
 does business.
 For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing
 happens each time.  On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure
 enough, he has lost 10 pounds.  Deciding that he likes his somewhat
 more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he
 calls the company back  and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight
 loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems
 like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might
 be like this time.
 As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he
 answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but
 a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply
 stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen.  She introduces
 herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign
 reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. He's out the door like a
 shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch
 her.  But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze.  She is
 wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to
 the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up
 and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight.  On the
 sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20
 pounds.  I love this company, he thinks to himself, I never knew
 losing weight could be so easy and so much fun.
 Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and
 subscribe to the companies 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. Are
 you sure, sir? asks the representative on the phone. This is our most
 rigorous program. Absolutely, says he, I love your program. haven't
 felt  this good in years!  The next day there comes a knock at his
 door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200
 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes
 and a sign around his neck.  He introduces himself as a representative
 of the weight loss company.
 The sign reads, If I can catch you, I can have you.

3. 




There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half-an-hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the
drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying.  The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was
just joking.  Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see
a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life.  First, I
overslept and was late to an important meeting.  My boss, outrageous,
fired me.

When I left the building to go my car, I found out it was stolen. The
police, said they could do nothing. I got a cab to go home, and after I paid
the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab.
I got home only to find my wife with the gardener. I left home
and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to
my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."

4. 




The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a
policeman ran up to help. "My mother-in-law just tried to run
me over!" the shaken man told the cop.
"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could
you tell it was your mother-in-law?"
"I recognized the laugh!" he replied.

5. 



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