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Today's jokes [5.13.17]

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The company sergent is briefing the recruits:

"For the next ten weeks the commanding officer will be your father,
and I will be your mother. Incidentally we are not married, so you
know what that makes you..."

1. 




A lady went running to a doctor with a badly spoiled stomach.  
"What did you eat for dinner last night?" asked the doctor.
"Oysters," she said.
"Fresh oysters?" asked the doctor.
"How should I know?" said the lady
"Well," asked the doctor, "couldn't you tell when you took off the 
shells?"
"My Gosh," gasped the lady.  "Are you supposed to take off the shells?"

2. 




At a government affair, the wives of four world
leaders are chatting about how people refer to a
penis in their countries.

The wife of Tony Blair says in England people
call it a gentleman, because  it stands up when
women are entering.

The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call
it a patriot, because you never know if it will
hit you on the front or on the back side.

The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a
curtain, because it goes down after the act.

With great resignation, the wife of Clinton says
in the USA you call it a rumor, because it
goes from mouth to mouth...

Sent by Igor

3. 




A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a
lumberyard.  One of the blonde men walked in the office and
said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.
He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant
two-by-fours."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go
check."

After a while, the customer returned to the office and said,
"A long time.  We're gonna build a house."

4. 




Here's a pretty nasty one:

Why are they having such a hard time finding a cure for AIDS?

The scientists can't get the mice to butt fuck.

5. 



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