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Today's stories [4.18.17]

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John Pernicky and friend Sal Hawkins, of the great
   state of Washington, decided to attend a local
   Metallica concert at the Amphitheater at George,
   Washington. Having no tickets (but 18 beers among
   them) they sat in the parking lot, and after
   finishing the beer, decided that it would be easy
   enough to hop over the nine-foot high fence and
   sneak into the show. The two friends pulled their
   pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was
   for John--100 pounds heavier than Sal-to hop over,
   and then assist his friend over the fence.
   Unfortunately for John, there was a 30 foot drop
   on the other side of the fence. Having heaved
   himself over, he found himself crashing through a
   tree. His fall was abruptly halted by a large
   branch which snagged him by his shorts. Dangling
   from the tree, with one arm broken, John looked
   down and saw a group of bushes below him. Figuring
   the bushes would break his fall, John removed his
   pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts
   to free himself from the tree. When finally free,
   John crashed below into Holly bushes. The sharp
   leaves scratched his entire body and now being
   without his shorts, he was the unwilling victim
   of a holly branch penetrating his rectal cavity.
   To make matters worse, his pocket knife proceeded
   to fall with him and landed three inches into his
   left thigh. Seeing his friend in considerable pain
   and agony, Sal decided to throw him a rope and pull
   him to safety. However, weighing about 100 pounds
   less, he decided the best course of action would
   be to tie the rope to the pickup truck. This is
   when things went from bad to worse. In his drunken
   state, Sal put the truck into the wrong
   gear,pressed on the gas, and crashed through the
   fence, landing on and killing his friend. Sal was
   thrown from the truck, suffered massive internal
   injuries and also died at the scene. Police
   arrived to find a pickup truck with its driver
   thrown 100 feet from the vehicle and upon moving
   the truck, a half naked man, with numerous
   scratches, a holly stick up his rectum, a knife in
   his thigh, and a pair of shorts dangling from the
   tree branches 25 feet in the air.


1. 




   So you think you're computer-illiterate?
   Check out the following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by
   Jim Carlton --
   Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press
   Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key
   is. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard
   to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the
   plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
   Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that
   the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes.
   After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the
   problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then
   rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
   Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
   diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along
   with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
   A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back
   in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold
   on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the
   room to close the door to his room.
   Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to
   fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician
   discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in
   front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
   Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell
   tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of
   friends,"the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store,
   the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of
   geeks."
   Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
   longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and
   water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys
   and washing them individually.
   A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
   because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The
   tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses
   shouldn't be taken personally.
   An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her
   new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged
   in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power
   button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and
   nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's
   mouse.
   Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new
   computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in,
   and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When
   asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What
   power switch?"


2. 




Last weekend I was in the grocery store getting a gallon of milk. As a walk up to the check out
line the lady in front of me turns around and says, " You are such a doll, you look almost 
identical to my daughter." Being polite I said thank you and asked the woman if her daughter 
was in college? I woman replied, "No she died about 2 years ago in car accident." I was in 
complete shock; I didn't no what to say. As the woman was handing the clerk her coupons she 
asked me to do a favor for her. I couldn't say no or it would seem too awkward. She asked me 
if I would wave at her and say "by mom." as she was leaving. Feeling very weird, as the lady 
was leaving I said "by mom!" When the clerk rang up my milk he said that will be $65.39. I am 
thinking WHAT?! The clerk said your mom told me you would take the bill for her also. My first 
reaction was to run after the lady. As I was close behind her, maybe a foot, I tripped and 
pulled her leg just like I am pulling yours!! 


3. 



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