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Today's jokes [4.21.17]

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Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stage coaches and the like were
popular, there were three people in a stage coach one day: a true red 
blooded born and raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city slicker from 
back East, and a beautiful and well endowed Texas lady. The city slicker 
kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll 
give you $10 for a blow job."
The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the 
city slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for 
defendin' mah honor!" Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, 
"Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of a woman in 
Texas!"


1. 




What did Chelsea say when Hillary asked if she had sex yet?

"Not according to Dad."

2. 




    A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices
   two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of
   the pub only to find two bikies, one with his fingers up the bum of
   the other.
   "So what's going on here?" he asks.
   The bikie replies "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm
   trying to make him vomit."
   The cop says "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his
   THROAT!"
   The bikie replies "That's what I'm going to do next!"


3. 




   A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty
   22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear,
   takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.
   
   A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "No
   one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can
   rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend
   over, and I'll do you in the ass."
   
   The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his
   trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do.
   After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and
   staggers back into town. He's pretty mad.
   
   He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same
   bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A
   moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says,
   
   "You know what to do."
   
   Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town,
   and buys a bazooka. Now he's really mad. He returns to the forest,
   sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks
   him flat on his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over
   him and says,
   
   "You're not doing this for the hunting, are you?"
   


4. 




A whole gaggle of Jewish ladies at a party were discussing the problem
of one of their daughters, who looked very much as though she were 
planning to marry a Gentile boy. Everyone was disturbed about it, and I
could not help interrupting.
   "Why not?" said I. "Let her marry a Gentile boy. I'm all in favor of
Jewish girls marrying Gentile boys."
   "Why?" chorused the women.
   And I said, "Because why should the Jewish boys have all the bad
luck?"

5. 



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