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Today's jokes [4.15.17]

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Hmmm?

                      What if Mother Goose had tendencies and propensities

                                 toward verbosity and prolixity?



Jack becomes dexterous,
Jack becomes able to attain high velocity,
Jack forms a trajectory over the illuminating apparatus of
   ozocitereous structure.

Mary was formerly the owner and proprietor of a pygmy Ovis aries,
It possessed an outer wool covering which had the characteristic
   pallidness much like that found in the appearance of crystalline
   precipitation,
And to each point in space that Mary would venture to,
The aforementioned Ovis aries would participate with a high degree of
   certainty.

Diminutive Jack Horner
Was seated at the perpendicular conjunction of three planar surfaces,
Ingesting his baked Yuletide pastry.
He inserted his opposable digit,
And excavated a specimen of genus Prunus,
And remarked, "What a benevolent adolescent I have become!"


Lilliputian damsel Muffet
Was rested upon a squatty seating apparatus,
Ingesting the lacteal substances in her possession.
At this point arrived an arachnid
Which inhabited the immediate vicinity of the maiden,
And, true to the fundamental principles of stimulus and response,
 arose trepidation in the damsel with sufficient efficiency so as
 to induce the aforementioned maiden to change locale.



1. 




A woman gives birth by a Caesarian and passes out. When she comes to her 
senses, the doctor approaches her bed and says:
"I'm sorry to tell you, Mrs. Smith, that your baby has some serious 
problems." 
"What problems, doctor? I mean, when it arrives, I'll love it. It's my 
child and I'll love it regardless." 
"Well, yes, of course,... but your child has no legs." 
"Oh dear. Well, it's my child, and I'll love it regardless." 
"And it hasn't got any arms either." 
"What?" 
"Exactly what I said. Your child doesn't have a body, or a face. In fact, 
your child is only a very, very big ear." 
The woman is in anguish, but she still tells the doctor to bring her her 
son.
"Sonny, dear, it's me your mother! Do you hear me!?"
"There is no need to scream," says the doctor "it's deaf."

2. 




What's red and invisible? 

No tomatoes.

3. 




An angry husband returned home one night to find his wife
in bed with a naked man. 'What are you doing' he shouted.

To which his wife said to her lover 'See, I told you he was stupid'

4. 




One day a housewife was going about the usual business of cleaning the 
house, when she suddenly felt intensely horny. Unfortunately, her husband 
was still at work, so she resorted to stripping off all her clothes and 
started to masturbate.
She got very excited, rubbing herself and moaning, and when her husband 
walked in, she was writhing in the middle of the living room floor.
He glanced through the mail and said to his wife, "Honey, when you're 
finished vacuuming the floor, could you get started on dinner?"

5. 



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