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Today's jokes [3.19.17]

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The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined
to track down the father to extract revenge.

"Was it my friend Sam", he demanded.

"No !" his weeping wife replied.

"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.

"NO !!!" she said even more upset.

"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.

"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped. 

1. 




Stress-Relieving Prayer



Lord,

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people
I had to kill today because they pissed me off.

And, help me to be careful
Of the toes I step on today as they
May be connected to the ass
That I might have to kiss tomorrow.

                 Amen.



2. 




A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, "I heard you died."
"But you see I'm alive ," smiled the friend.
"Impossible," said the psychiatrist. "The man who told me is much more 
reliable than you."

3. 




The drinker announced to the bartender, "It seems I've been 
informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my 
company."

"That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be 
counseling the big bosses on relations with their 
secretaries?"

"I'm not sure yet," he answered. "During a staff meeting, I 
popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense 
accounts and it was after that I was told if they ever 
wanted my fucking advice, they'd let me know."

4. 




A girl runs home to her mother crying, "I can't marry Joe! He's an 
atheist! He doesn't believe in God or Jesus or anything! "Don't worry, 
Honey," said her mom. "But Mom, he doesn't even believe in Hell! "Don't 
worry, Honey," repeated her mom, "you marry him...and we'll convince him!"

5. 



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