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Today's jokes [3.18.17]

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Q: What would Princess Diana be doing right now if
   she were alive today?
A: Scratching on the lid of her casket.


1. 




"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set
the man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."

"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the
farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful
daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.

I said no, everything is fine. "Are you sure?", she asked. "I'm sure,
I said. "Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know.
"I reckon not" I replied ...

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"

"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what
she meant, I fell off the roof!"

2. 




A blonde walked into a doctor's office with a hole in her hand. The
doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was
an obvious gunshot wound, so would she please explain how it happened?

The blonde said, "Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit
suicide, so first I stuck the gun in my mouth, but thought, wait a
minute, I just had all that bridge work done, and I don't want to ruin
it. So, I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait a
minute, I just got a nose job not too long ago, and I don't want to
ruin it! Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait a
minute, I just had these boobs done, and I don't want to ruin them! So
then I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a minute, this is
going to be loud!"

3. 




So the doctor tells the patient he's got only six months to live.
But the patient doesn't pay his bill on time, so the doctor gives
him another six months. 

4. 




A little girl was playing up a tree near a church. The priest was taking
a walk when he happened to look up the tree and saw the little girl. She
had no panties on. He called her down and gave her money to buy a pair
of panties. The girl was so happy and told her mommy about it. The next
day when the priest was again taking his daily walk, he looked up the
same tree and saw the young girl's mother up there. She had no panties
on. He called her down and gave her two dollars to buy a razor.


5. 



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