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Today's jokes [3.13.17]

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MICHAEL KENNEDY

   What's the difference between John Denver and Michael Kennedy?
   John Denver made it alive out of Aspen.
   Has Elton John re-written any of his songs for Michael Kennedy?
   Not yet, but he's done one about the tree: "I'm Still Standing"
   How can you be sure that Michael was really a Kennedy?
   Check the family tree.
   A simple accident? Some witnesses insist there was a second tree at
   the
   snow-covered knoll...
   What do Michael and JFK Jr's magazine "George" have in common?
   Wood pulp.
   New bumper sticker...."Plant A Tree....Kill A Kennedy...."
   What will it take to reunite the four Kennedy brothers?
   A1: One more bullet.
   A2: A season lift pass.


1. 




What do you get when you cross Holy Water with castor oil?

A religious movement!

2. 




A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from
Kansas to Chicago. The son, who had been looking out the
window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have
baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes
have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an
answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy
asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big
cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said that she had. She then said, "Tell your mother
that Southwest always pulls out on time." 


3. 




What Not to Name Your Dog

Everybody has a dog called Rover or Spot. I call my dog "Sex". When I went to city hall to 
buy a licence I told the clerk I wanted a licence for Sex. He said "I'd like one too." But 
then I said "This is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said "You 
don't understand I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said "You must have been quite 
a kid." When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel 
clerk that I wanted a room for my wife, me and a special room for Sex. He said that every 
room in the place was for sex. I said "You don't understand Sex keeps me awake at night." The 
clerk said "Me too." One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, 
the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. 
I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold my own 
tickets. "But you don't understand," I said. I hoped to have Sex on T.V. He called me a show 
off.

When my wife and I seperated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your 
honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said "Me too." Then I told him that after I 
was married Sex left. He said "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me 
and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said I'm looking 
for Sex. My case comes up Friday. 


4. 




An old retired man goes to his wife one day, and says to her, "I 
don't know how to tell you this dear, but the stock market 
crashed, and I'm afraid we're broke."

The wife says, "No, we're not. Let's go for a drive into town."

Husband replies, "Our savings are all gone and you want is to 
go for a drive? Oh well, whatever. I guess you're crazier than 
me." So off they go into town.

When they get there the wife points and says, "See that office 
building? We own that."

Husband thinks his wife is nuts so he mumbles something 
unintelligible and drives to the next area of the city, which just 
happens to be the richest part of town.

Wife says again pointing, "See those five houses? We own 
those."

Husband is now sure his wife is certifiably crazy so he says, 
"What makes you think we own all this property?"

Wife replies, "Remember when we first got married and for 
jokes you would give me $5.00 every time we had sex? Well, I 
kept the money and invested it and 20 years later this is what 
has become of it all. Not bad, eh?"

Husband says, "Dammit woman, if I'd known you were this 
good with money I'd have probably given you all my business."

5. 



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