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Today's jokes [3.1.17]

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Why I Fired My Secretary 

I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought,
"I'm another year older," but decided to make the best of it. So I showered and
shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big
kiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear." All smiles, I went in to breakfast, and
there sat my wife, reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn't say one word. So
I got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, "Oh well,
she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and they
will sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me." There I sat, enjoying
my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen,
yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going to
miss the bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office. 


When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile
and a cheerful "Happy birthday, boss." She then asked if she could get me some
coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better. 


Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Since
it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?" Thinking it would make
me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea." So we locked up the office, and
since it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have
lunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out of
town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a
nice lunch. We started driving back to town, when my secretary said, "Why don't
we go to my place, and I will fix you another martini." It sounded like a good
idea, since we didn't have much to do in the office. So we went to her
apartment, and she fixed us some martinis. After a while, she said, "If you
will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and she
left the room. 


In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big
birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids. And there I sat with
nothing on but my socks. 


1. 




A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair 
and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber 
began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, 
firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen 
knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend 
some time in a hotel room." 

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that. 

The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay 
you the difference." 

She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

2. 




The Answer: A Cockrobin.
The Question: What are you putting in my mouth, Batman?

3. 




Two groups of computer experts were set up in order to find
out whether computer is male or female: one group was male,
and the other group was female.

The group of women reported that computers should be 
refereed to as "HE" because: 

1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on. 
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the 
time they are the problem. 
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had 
waited a little longer, you could have had a newer and better 
model.

The group of men reported that computers should be refered to 
as "SHE" because: 

1. No one but the creator understands their logic. 
2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is 
incomprehensible to anyone else. 
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory 
for later retrieval. 
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find 
yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

4. 




If Cray made toasters...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than
any other single-slice toaster in the world, at least
for a couple of years.

5. 



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