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Today's stories [11.14.17]

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Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights
for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a
47-year-old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed.
She got 4-1/2 years in jail. 

1. 




The re-release of George Lucas' "Star Wars" over the raked in millions.
"This came as a relief to Princess Leia who had fallen on hard times
and was considering becoming a spokeswoman for Weight Watchers and Ocean
Spray." (Joshua Sostrin)
Says Paul Ecker, "Teenagers all over the country are asking the same
question: Who's Mark Hamill?"
The film was enhanced with even more special effects. "In a related move,
Sweden will re-release Ingmar Bergman's films "enhanced with even more
gloom,'" (Michael Edens)

2. 




"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors
in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski , and
his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admittedfor
emergency treatment after a fetching session had gone seriously wrong.
"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil,
in," he explained. "As usual Kiki shouted out 'Armagedon," my cue that
he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out
again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light
might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened
next, "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out
the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair severely burning his face,. It
also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a
larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out
like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken
nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second
degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract. 

3. 



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